Co worker conundrums.
I cry, I get a dog nose on my shoulder, and I have to make myself stop because I am making my baby sad...if not for her I would be far worse off than I am.
I am alone, well I have her, so am I alone?
The fear I feel when I contemplate losing her, causes tears, and I choke up, but then I struggle to remind myself that she is here, kicking me in the kidneys softly and the panic attack subsides just a little.
I talk to my dog.
If I did not talk to my dog, I would rarely speak...I am alone most of the time.
If I were to drop dead, it would be a while before anyone noticed, unless I was scheduled to work with the “flouncer”, my boss would call but not come check.
P.T.S.D., and the many facets of anxiety, grew from experiences not thin air.
Where does one meet people to chat about “stuff” to after your out of school and you live in the “bible belt”, new to the area?
Then again, it is hard for people to understand the importance of my baby to my life...I would not have made it out of England alive if not for her...and my Chicago cop online friend (who suddenly vanished 2 years ago into nothingness).
My co-worker has had a charmed life compared to me, but she has everyone feeling sorry for her, giving her the benefit of her self proclaimed hardships. Which weren't really, they were more like self brought on episodes of a selfish spoiled woman not caring to grow in the workplace.
I find myself wondering why it should matter?
I have never talked about my life, because of the shame, the embarrassment, and the knowledge of others viewpoint on the weakness of victims. Yet, Flouncer drones on about how she use to get hired for a job, and then lose it when they hired someone else.
Ok, they hired someone else because you were not doing the job, but your reaction to the hiring of another is what caused you the trouble.
If your on the business phone talking to your friends, family, etc and ignoring customers and your work...what is going to happen? Shift that to being on your cell...computer...and knowing that she has been told repeatedly and ignored it...where am I suppose to find the pity? Especially when I am the one she asks if she should be doing what when, or blames for all her mistakes and troubles.
I tried to be friendly, helpful, assure her that her job was safe, and it was, all the nonsense she has been pulling has caused her more trouble than my presence ever did. I was brought in to do her work, so she could keep her job until she retires.
I don't dislike her, I can no longer trust her, and the way she has been treating me has triggered not only my anxieties, but my ptsd.
Alas, jobs in this area are hard to come by, being in the middle of nowhere, you kinda gotta take what is and work with it.
I tried to help...my first mistake was forgetting that very often the untrained swimmer who seeks to rescue the drowning person ends up dead, drowned by the person who grabs onto them and in panic...sadness.
I did once jump in to help a friend who thought she was drowning, not being trained I went through the unexpected flailing of arms, being dragged under and being really lucky we both made it to the dock...while the paid life guard sat on the chair on the beach.
I remember vividly the terror, need to breath, and afterwards, feeling like a damn fool for not being a smarter 11 year old.
I like my job, it makes me happy, if Flouncer would stop banging, slamming, knocking my chair about...drama...queen...it would be a cool place to work. My being there does not change the fact that she can not perform the job, but the boss wants to keep her until she can get full pension, whether she likes it or not.
She was debating this man who was after her to date him, but he was still married (though separated), and her religion (which she doesn't seem to do more than preach about), frowns on dating someone who is still married. What did I think? He was online but not talking to her, he was taking other women out for coffee, he went to mexico alone? no? Her memory issues spread over all facets of her life, but she is perfect and never makes mistakes at work...her emotional instability flares and causes the boss stress nosebleeds, but she deserves to be treated better.
How about doing your job, not talking on the phone, messaging, worrying about you boyfriend, after work drama...just do your job? Stop blaming me, others for your mistakes or claiming we are making them up...honest the $1k worth of invoicing errors were not something I would ever dream up...yet she claimed I did it to sabotage her.
Another staff member who always sticks up for her, because she has had a hard life, admitted she was not doing her main job duty, and when she found this out during a discussion with the boss...she said he was a liar. Poor man.
I have worked in high stress jobs, loved it, was good at it...I was also a shop steward at a company where most of those in power came from 3rd world countries and...wow...that stuff you would not believe.
I was working nights with the manager, during a labor case between the union and company over wrongful layoffs, and they hired a new girl...nice kid. We talked but not a lot because, well hey...she was on probation. On the 29th day, 1 day before she would be off probation and able to join the union, we went for coffee after work, were seen by a supervisor, and that night when she walked in she was given a letter and gone. No reason, other than, talking to me and the union.
And that was a small instance of what went on there.
So the Flouncer has no concept of what it is like to work in an abusive, harsh, atmosphere...like when we came off the picket line after 90 days and returned to work...oh was that fun, especially for shop stewards.
I did feel for her, until she started the lies, blaming others, and lets face it her treatment of co-workers is slipping into abusive.
I work tomorrow.
The boss will be there, but it's more difficult going in that it use to be.
Why would I want to leave my baby to go into that atmosphere, except for the money? That is sad, as it was a fun place to work, it is when Flouncer isn't there.
I am not perfect, I see my own mistakes better than anyone else...brood on them...but I admit for the first time my urge to help someone, has rebounded and I just want to be left to do my job in peace...doing the things that she can't.
How do you deal with resentment, when your not the real cause of the issues?
To make up for how the Flouncer was treating me, the boss showed me how to operate one of the pieces of equipment to have something positive before I left. That says something about the situation but I am too close to figure it out right now, cause the panic attacks over going in are starting, and I don't have someone to talk to about it, other than my sleeping baby.